Spider Soup

A spider bit me a few days ago. It annoyed me greatly as I like to sleep without hindrance and for a spider to be gallivanting on my body and deciding that I was worth biting made me a bit sore. Using my spider sense, I tracked it down and engaged it in witty banter. It came as no surprise to me that the spider did not appreciate my good wit and decided to impale me with a story from which I could not escape, no matter what sly comment I managed to murmur.

It, which now becomes “she” as the story progresses, was a Spider Queen in the far off land of Malaysia. She went on about “your skin looked so appealing” and I felt myself get quite sick. How it came to be that she was in my bedroom was ne’er approached but I maintain that it was through some imported good that I had purchased which will no doubt be removed from my shopping list. She claimed that it was through the misdeeds of her fellow spiders that she was captured. I listened to no more of the story as I was bored and had sighed audibly enough times for this Spider Queen to shut the bloody hell up. I have and had no time for her, as the water on the stove had reached it’s boiling point.

The shoe’s sole aimed at her, held firmly in my fingertips, came down as a flash of lightning, permanently transforming her eight eyes into mushed liquid. I used the nearby envelope from the IRS to heave her broken body up and into the pot with boiling water. Reeking, her body splintered off and moved up and down with the bubbles and carrots, celery and parsley. Her eyes dissolved.

As I drove myself to the emergency room, there were items on my mind that troubled me twofold.

But as I sleep fitfully each night, I wonder no more about the Malaysian Spider Queen nor her want of my skin. I am grateful that I no longer sleep in fear. I am also grateful that her screams didn’t carry like the other spiders in the past. My neighbors get awfully suspicious when they do.

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